I am Link. Seriously.

Applications. Shortened: App. If you don’t know what these are, take a boat somewhere that still chases their dinner.
Apps have taken over most of our day to day lives. In my case, I have an app for text messaging, one for the news, one for weather, for my email, an app that gives me useful equations when I need them, one that counts calories, and on and on.
In short, apps are important.
Money is also important (at least in these “modernized” countries). People like to own a slice of everyone’s pie. There are taxes galore, stocks, contracts, payments that must be made, blah, blah, blah. If someone pays you, they own you. If you owe money to someone, they own you. If someone has bought stock in your company, they own you. This world is full of ownership, whether or not you would admit to it. Unless you are completely debt free and jobless, someone owns you. Chances are, you won’t fall into that category.
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m talking about apps and ownership. Maybe not. Either way, it doesn’t matter. I have a vision of our future. Care to indulge me a little?

You’re having a normal conversation with your friend, standing at a coffee shop. In the middle of the conversation, she stops, stares straight at you, and begins to tell you about the new i-whatever update. She finishes with her spiel, and doesn’t hesitate to continue with what she was saying. This is normal. Why? Because someone is paying her to be a walking advertisement. In fact, in order to insure quality service from her, the company has installed a chip in her brain that automatically forces her to advertise their products every, oh, four hours. Sounds horrible, right?
Currently, California (a very broke and indebted state) is trying to get digital license plates. Sounds, cool, but they are only digital for one reason: advertising. Yes, while you are at a stop light, your license plate will be advertising whatever the DMV is getting paid to advertise. Doesn’t that seem a little bit, oh, like EXPLOITATION? No, thank you, I’ll ride a bike.
Try walking and chewing gum in 20 years. You can’t do it. “Why not?” you whine. Well, because you haven’t installed an app for that. “Hey Terry, you know, every time you chew, you stop moving. You should probably install an update.” Yes, at the rate we are going, we will no longer be able to do normal things without first installing the app first. Surely, whatever company you are advertising for will have made it so that in order for your brain to give out “eat” or “shit” signals, you will have to have the app. And it will cost money. “Get the new breathe app! Or die.”
I will agree, apps are useful. But shouldn’t there be a limit? When do we take back our lives? Are we so consumed by consumerism that we can’t simply calculate a number in our head or use a book to look it up? Big Corporate, they own us. Maybe we can download an app for freedom. Eh, I wouldn’t count on it.

Wars

Posted on: June 20, 2010

One very powerful song by Hurt. I’ve clipped the parts that repeat themselves and placed emphasis on the important parts. This song means a lot to me. Always remember that wars are just big men playing battleship. They don’t die and they don’t suffer. Millions of lives will senselessly die in our wars.

Show me a smile on your sunny face
‘Cause I’m getting tired of this human race
My darlin’

The eyes of child hasn’t went away
And how many heroes have we killed today?
I can fly higher than an aeroplane
And I have the voice of a thousand hurricanes

My darlin’

Men of destruction reap iniquity
While heroes of courage die with dignity
How many weapons did I help create?
And how many lives will it devastate?

My darlin’

I think of all the days in my life
When I could’ve done something more
Yes I remember the days in my life
When I could’ve done something more
There is never a day that goes by
That’s a good day to die
Please open your eyes
To the millions of lives
That will senselessly die in our wars.

Won’t you please close your eyes for the millions of lives that will senselessly die in our wars?

For anyone who loves the Ocarina of Time (as I do, but I’m fairly certain that that level of obsession is hard to reach) here is a little fun comparison. If the perfect world that is OoT’s Hyrule (well, once you kick Ganondorf’s red-headed ass out, at least; not including the forever frozen Zora’s domain. Always a bummer.) were subjected to the same travesties that we enjoy here in the good ol’ U S of A, here’s how I think it would play out.

“Hello! Can Hyrule’s destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?”
First of all, if a tree tells a fairy to come get you to defend the country, you’re obviously doing some serious hallucinogens. If this were the USH (United States of Hyrule) this would not be uncommon. In fact, a kid who stays home in a tree with no job and nothing to do (but get picked on by a mean kid) probably would be doing some drugs. Big deal. [being able to repair signs with a song hints to drugs as well.]
Another important point. Link wanders around all of his childhood looking for stones. In the USH, he will be looking for oil and places to drill. Or, if he did stumble upon some shiny stones, there would be no giving them away. Stones will fetch  money of course! No sir. Oil it is.
And what’s with all the sexuality that goes without being acted upon? Malon, Ruto, Saria, even Zelda herself! It’s somewhat of a let down (no pun intended) that he never gets what he needs. Seven years sleeping… I know he woke up with a mega stiffy… at least until he opened his eyes and saw Rauru standing there. Anyway, more to the point. Talon asks if Link wants to marry his daughter, Ruto gives the “Zora engagement ring,” everyone knows that childhood friends always have some secluded feelings for each other, and what about Zelda? Was I the only one who died when she erased his memory and sent  him packing back to age 11? Come on! Consummate saving the world together (if together is a word you can use here… all she did was get stuck in a giant rupee and make weird scream-y sounds when big rocks hit you)! Get-it-on-already! In USH, it would’ve happened with all of the chicks. Come on, ladies. You know Link is a stud.
Think about Lake Hylia for a second. In USH, the lake would not only be dried up, it would be coated in oil (perhaps it would kill that damn talking owl, though). And that mad scientist? He would be British and lying about how much oil is leaking out as well as doing damn near nothing to stop it.  Oh, here’s 20 billion rupees. Have fun with that, eh, ol’ chaps?
Remember that crazy lady in Kakariko with all of the chickens? Those chickens would be strung up on a clothes line bleeding out (slowly) at a rate of 1 chicken every 3 seconds. And that bottle she gave you would be covered with blood. Her Sheikah workers wouldn’t have insurance, would make less than minimum wage, and if they complained, they would be deported. Maybe to that containment camp called Gerudo Fortress. If not there, she’d send them to listen to the owl and forever press yes after “do you want to hear what I said again?”
Speaking of the Gerudo thieves… USH—strippers. They’re beautiful, right? And with those face masks, they already look like exotic belly dancers. Enough said. Ganondorf, their leader? No way, just their pimp.
Another note on Ganondorf. He’s the like Kim Jong Il of Hyrule. Completely crazy and power-hungry.  Although, if he lived in USA, he probably would’ve gotten a rhinoplasty by now.
Obesity was not rampant in Hyrule. Obviously, Miyamoto wasn’t modeling it after America. Although, he threw an American in there in the form of King Zora. Never will I forget his “oh, let me move a little to the right here.” noises. Never.
Princess Zelda may be the ruler of Hyrule, but in USH, she’s a beauty queen, maybe Miss Hyrule. Of course she will get into it with Princess Ruto, who claims that the judging was based on race, not beauty, and the two will fight all over castle town. Those castle townspeople will have something new to gossip about. Finally.
Gorons? Thugs, obviously. Or poor people? Or wrestlers? So many stereotypes could be used here, so I will let you think up your own. (Not that I agree with stereotyping, but for the fun of writing this blog, I will have to let it slide.)
How about that Voldemort? Oh, wait. Wrong obsession. 😀
Sheik. A cross-dressing Zelda. What do we call that here? Transvestite? Yeah. Maybe if this were the USA, she could go ahead and have the surgery and stop leading Link on (see above for more information on the topic). Zelda, you’re a beauty, but a tease.
Potions. These are the prescription drugs of Hyrule. Only, you don’t need a doctor, just a crazy old lady, to get them. Although, the prices are, at times, very reminiscent of Big Pharma. Especially from the mobile sellers, those silly scrubs. “120 rupees for one bottle, it is!” Umm, without a doubt, “No way!” Yeah, that’s right, you’re going home then. “Yikes!” me will ya…  Hyrule doesn’t need to change a whole lot to fit in with the health care system. High costs, low reward (8 hearts?! That’s it?!). Bingo. All they need is to deny everyone with a pre-existing condition. Oh, you got hit by a walking night-skull? DENIED. Although, their life insurance looks like a great idea. Oh, a fairy! Let me stuff you in here. Great idea, really.
If Hyrule were the USA, some things would be different, obviously. Lets hope we can’t get our fingers into that beautiful place.
More on this topic later. 😀


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